The insecurities of the arrogant bitch.

I used to think I was

the pretty one,

the smart one,

the rich one.

Go ahead,

and go out

with as many girls,

as he wanted.

He'll come back.

They

always do.

And I wasn't wrong...

then.

But here

and now

I can feel myself fade

into the darkest shadow.

I am ugly.

Stupid.

Arrogant.

Bitch.

And I'll never fit

into that bubble

that circle of yours.

Never pretty enough.

Never enough.

Never.

Ugly. Bitch.

Oh, I don't love you but I always will...

Hey,
you and I
are going to
have
a big
love affair
and it
won't work
but somewhere
in the middle
my god,
we tried.

Sometimes, I wonder how you think about it now, when I see your face in every crowd...

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. And I keep telling myself that it's time to let go. But is it possible when I still see it all in my head. I used to torture myself every single bloody night. Replaying us over and over again. I remembered everything. The pink shirt. The VS. The TV. Us.

And now I'm supposed to just forget everything? It's bullshit.

Forgiving took me a year. Forgetting would take a lifetime.

Am I supposed to forget the thrashing out of everything to the hard wall or the bruises of the edge of the wooden bed? Am I supposed to forget the glistening reflection of the light on the shiny sharp scissors? Am I supposed to forget the pain, the cuts, the bruises?

Am I supposed to forget the point that no one could even cry out the pain?

How? How do I forget it?

How do you forget the grave that you had dug for yourself? Only to fall into a well, pulling a thousand others with you. How do you forget the betrayal that you saw coming? How do you forget the misery?

You don't. You can't. You can't forget the innocent soul lost in the middle of the game of the deceptive bastards.

Here. I admit. It was me. Who haunted my own nightmares. And yours. It was me.

Fact is truly, truly stranger than fiction.

Mrs Chandra (My principal in IIS when I was form 5) told me and Dee to write the story of the boy who ran away from home.

But I couldn't back then. Not really.

And now, I know why.

It's because Miel didn't get his happy ending yet. Not at the time.

And now, he has.

After running away, and going back to his abusive parents, his sister decided to run for it too (again). And, again, with the same circle of friends to help. I'm glad that it was one of us who allowed her to sleepover and sent her to the train station.

Then she went to the embassy. And then, history.

So, now, they're with their grandparents. And finally, after so long, they reunited with their real mother again, in their beloved country. And their stepmum and father were no longer to be seen.

And from sleeping on the cement floor with 30 lashes on their backs, and bite marks on their shoulders, they went to the luxurious life. How lucky.

And I, for one, am happy, glad and relieved that they got their happy ending. That luck was on their side.

They were good kids. They did nothing wrong. Even when they told the truth, they were abused.

And now. Life is sweet for them. And I know of no one more deserving.

I remember when he ran away from home. He called me. And he didn't even tell me. It was Father's Day.

Our classmate welcomed him with open arms. As did we. As did we planned and schemed and escaped, narrowly, I might add, from the clutches of the predators. I even called up an old friend to ask him to keep this stranger to him in his house.

Running from one place to the other, we were young. Foolish, we may have been. But the scar?

It's for life.

We had to grow up in our own ways. Even when we weren't ready. We were forced to face reality far harsher than others. And though we were in two different pains, two very different situations...we were able to lean on each other. For that, I am thankful.

Oh, Miel. Thank you for being a great friend. Thank you for being there with me through my pain. Thank you for still coming to see me before flying off, leaving me behind. I miss you. And I hope that you'll continue to be happy.

P/S, Thanks for the loose tee. And I'm sorry you didn't get to go to prom. You were supposed to be my date!

Friends forever!

Review on Taylor Swift's new album: RED.

RED 

Okay. So the name sounds nice. I really was looking forward to it.

So for a 16 track album, I was quite disappointed. I didn't love it.

State of Grace.
Red.
Treacherous.
I knew you were trouble.
All too well.
22.
I almost do.
We are never ever getting back together.
Stay stay stay.
The last time.
Holy Ground.
Sad Beautiful Tragic.
The Lucky One.
Everything has changed.
Starlight.
Begin again.

I guess it's her age that's making her as such. But Adele's 21 is more heartfelt, to me.

On a positive note, I did like Red, I Almost Do, The Last Time, Sad Beautiful Tragic and Begin Again. Although the harmony in Everything Has Changed was...quite melodious.

Red really is relatable somehow to 19 year olds.

I liked I Almost Do because I feel like it's something that somehow answers a question that has always been playing in my head. If she was a guy, that is.

The Last Time, which is a duet with Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol, describes perfectly what some 'couples' go through at her age. It's the time that you stand there, looking at his as he looks at you. And it's the last time. The last time you're gonna stand there and watch him. And try to memorize each moment...each freckle on his face...every inch of him before you let go.

Then, you can sing Sad Beautiful Tragic. Because the love affair ended. But what made me listen to this song constantly (other than RED) is because of the lyrics. Somehow, what I felt from it was so...wow. I guess it's Taylor Swift's kind of ballad/lullaby. Basically, my favorite line was "And you've got your demons and darling, they all look like me." When I heard that line, I was like, that's the Taylor Swift I fell in love with! And, notably, relatable to girls her age.

Then, there's Begin Again. I don't know why I love it. Just listen to it.

I didn't really like the other songs, although, I'm sure that, as most Taylor Swift's songs are, they are very...relatable.

If someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am.

Aku lebih rela begini.

You don't generate feelings from your mind. They come from the heart.

Once you fall in love, you will love that person forever.

You were the answer to my silent prayers.

It was stole glances.

Now it's down to stares.

So who will win this stare-down?

We're both at losing ends.

You're hurt too.

You're hurt too.

That's what they keep telling me.

Of course I miss you. Of course.

I thought you were my soulmate.

Fact is stranger than fiction.

"You don't try your hardest at something for over a year then just give up."

He watches you. He watches you as you eat in silence.

And his eyes?

They burn with a pain that you know so well.

Water glistening behind the macho facade.

As the green ice cream becomes witness.

You wanted to yell. To scream. To take his hand and cry.

Instead?

You sit there.

You watch him.

As he watches you.

Studying every inch of his face.

Knowing. Knowing that that would be it.

Why? Why? WHY?

You ask without an answer in sight.

It's been a long time coming.

But know this. If a guy is strong enough to show his heart to you. Able to look into your eyes and withstand the tears that threaten to flow.

Know that this is one that you will always remember. To the end of time.

Because no guy would cry in front of you unless you're it.

You're the one.

And he's just too stupid or blind.

Or you're just too stupid or blind.

To see that he just wants what's best for you.

For you.

Haruskah ku bilang cinta? Hati senang tapi bimbang ada cemburu juga rindu...

Alhamdulillah.

Tuhan telah memakbulkan doaku dalam masa yang singkat.

Hari tu doa. Hari tu makbul.

Melihat awak tersenyum, membuat ku senang hati.

I love your smile.

I love you.

Drowning in you.

You don't get it.
You don't understand.

And sometimes, I wish you would change your mind.

But I don't.

Insane.

What just happened?

Did you kiss me? 

Cause that's a place we've never been until now 

And I don't know how it's gonna be after this 

Do we pretend these feelings don't exist at all 

Or do we fall? 

My confusion shows whenever you get so close 

I stumble, I stutter, forget what to say 

I'm nervous, I wonder why I'm acting this way 

You made a moved and changed your mind 

Too much to lose, you've crossed the line between friends

And something more

Was it all a big mistake?

And if it was, it's much too late to undo

And I don't really want to let you go but I still don't know

How I feel about you

What this really means

It's crazy to want you

Is it meant to be? 

It's temporary insanity 

What's going on with you and me?

Is it real or is it fantasy?

Forever or just temporary? 

My favorite song way back when.

"Forget me." That was it. That was all.

maaf tuk berpisah

"Dia kena lain dengan kita.

Dia lebih sana.

Kita lebih sini.

Barulah saling melengkapi."

Tidak, sayang. Tak perlu begitu. The theory is "Opposites attract." But it's not necessarily true.

I choose you because you understand me in ways that others can't.

I choose you because you can see me in ways that others can't see.

And you never give up on me.

You never tell me to go. To leave. You always stay. Right here. By my side. Even when I'm so afraid to show that I need you.

Some guys say that they aren't ready. "Degree pun belum." Or "Kerja pun belum." Or things like...they're not ready for commitment. They're not ready to think about it. They have so many other things to think about.

But you're not like them.

You're not like those cowards, so afraid to take a leap. So afraid to take a chance.

It might not be a perfect love story. But life is no fairytale.

But I found Prince Charming. The one who rides on a white horse, burst in and sweeps you off your feet. I found you.

Kau tahu tentang hatiku yang tak pernah bisa melupakanmu
Kau tahu tentang diriku yang selalu mengenangmu selamanya

Aku memerlukan sesuatu yang pasti. Bukan sesuatu untuk terbawa mimpi.

Cinta itu buta.

Tak mengenal umur, rupa dan semua semua tu lah.

Saya cinta awak. Tapi cinta sahaja tak cukup.

Kalau sayang boleh sekelip mata, boleh juga kan hilang sekelip mata?

Kadang-kadang, aku terbawa-bawa mimpi indah.
Bila awak di sisiku.
Bila awak senyum padaku sambil menungguku yang jalan ke arah awak yang sedang posing di kereta.
Bila awak memandangku dgn bahagia sehingga mata awak bersinar-sinar.

Tapi mimpi indah tak membawa kita ke mana-mana.

Apa yang pasti, jikalau awak benar-benar mencintaiku bagaikan aku mencintaimu...awak jangan lepaskan cinta itu. Kejarlah. Berpeganglah. Kerana hati kita, di saat kehilangan, akan berkecai, patah, hilang tak berganti.

Mungkin kita cuba kata itu yang terbaik untuk kita. Tapi...awak...saya cinta awak. Jangan tinggalkan saya.

I'll be alright. Gonna spread my wings and feel alive. I'm gonna make it through. I'm aiming high. Gonna free my true color tonight. Tonight, I'll be alright.

Bruises fade, but the pain remains the same.

Don't you understand the damage you have done?
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on.

There are many things I learnt today.

The most important is to laugh out loud. Just let it go. Even if you laughed 'till you cry. It's more than okay. 

It's amazing.

Especially with them.

THEM.

They, that stood by me at my lowest.

They, that stood by me at my highest.

They, that stood by me.

With me.

Before everything. Through everything. After everything.

"Kalau sama, everytime jumpa I tolak dia masuk lake!"

.priceless.

And it only hurts when I breathe.

I can't feel it till I take a breath.

And I'm holding on to these false memories.

'Cause that's all that I've got left.

I'm okay.

I'm just fine.

We fade away.

Hardly cross my mind.

I'm okay.

My memories they comfort me.

The thoughts of what we used to be.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Blood shed on my hands you can never wash away.

Leave me out with the waste 

This is not what I do 

It's the wrong kind of place 

To be thinking of you 

It's the wrong time 

For somebody new 

It's a small crime 

And I've got no excuse 

Is that alright? 

Give my gun away when it's loaded 

Is that alright? 

If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it 

Is that alright? 

Give my gun away when it's loaded 

Is that alright?

Is that alright, with you?

There's this saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." So how about this time, you answer it yourself. Is that alright?

NO.

And I will make sure to keep my distance, say "I love you" when you're listening...

Commitment.

Are you ready for commitment?

To love. To live.

With a person. One and only.

I don't know. I really don't know.

But it's like my sister said,

If he didn't exist in my life, it could be any of those other guys. And any of those other guys would be perhaps even slightly easier. Suitable even.

But he exists in my life. And I can't live without him. And I don't know why. Or even how it all happened.

But it has happened. And, maybe, he is the one.

And loving him is not as painful as loving you. Any of you. Because he would never hurt me. Not as much as I've hurt him.

UKECharisma INSPIRE Jeli, Kelantan.

One day, after arriving home from Putrajaya, I decided to spontaneously sign up to volunteer for this (refer to title). And, that night, I received an email that says I got the job! And the following Thursday, my dad said I could go! YAY!

So here's the 411 on the camp.

We (the facilitators) met up at KLSentral. Got onto a van. Picked up Razali at IIUM Gombak because he just had a series of unfortunate events, namely: his purse was in hi friend's locker. Which was locked. And his friend was in class.

We arrived in Jeli after 8 HOURS. Seriously.

We had our meeting to plan the event for the next day. Getting to know all the facilitators was fun. Kak Sharifah, the Director of UKECharisma was really pretty and cool. Then there was Alya, the 'beautiful and sexy girl' (said the students), Amni, my classmate in CFS IIUM and also Azwa. As for the boys, we had Arief, the cool Kelantanese architect student who doesn't sound kelate when he speaks, Louis, the only Chinese and Razali.

The next day, the students arrived. I got group 3 which consisted of 16 students which was too much for me which was tiring and such a challenge. ESPECIALLY when the boys refused to talk to the girls.

But things got better on the second day. In fact, the last night of the camp was a tearful one. The students had to write a letter to their facilitators and we wrote letters for them as well. Although all the facilitators just wrote one general one for the whole group and read them out loud, I wrote a letter for each and everyone of my team members. I think I injured myself writing 16 pages worth of letters in one-shot.

Anyway, other than conducting the camp, we had our own treat as well. But that's a story for another day.

Playing the field.

Someone once asked me:

"Hey, Sya. Don't you want to live your life before settling down? You're still young. Don't you want to go and have fun first?"

Actually, I have 'lived my life'. I've already gone and 'have fun'.

Dating? Having relationships? Friendships? All the life dramas?

What more?

Someone from another religion? Someone from another ethnic? Rich guy? Poor guy? Son of Tan Sri(s)? Son of politicians? Son of teachers? Son of... The pengkid. The lesbian. The straight. The gay. The athlete. The nerd. The smart-ass. The idiot. The funny. The serious. The nice guy. The jerk. The corny ones who sing to you off-key on your birthday. The ass who forgot your birthday. Being played. Playing.

DONE. ALL DONE.

And so, I'm done. I'm not looking for any more experiences because I've had it. I know my choices. I know.

And I've changed. Maybe a lot. Maybe a bit. But I've been through hell. I've been through those moments.

You know? Those moments that you wish were just a nightmare and that you'll wake up to find that it was all a fragment of your imagination. Only to open your eyes the next morning and realize that it's never going to go away?

Been there. Done that. Don't want to go back.

I have been through so much. So much that it's exhausting to even think about them. I just want to live my life in peace. Have a career. Have a family. Have children. Have grandchildren. And just live happily kind of ever after.

I've met some people. Lost some people.

Ultimately, life moves on. And you just have to learn from your mistakes. At least from your own mistakes, if not others as well.

I may not be old and wrinkly. But it doesn't mean I haven't lived.

It was Enchanting to meet you, A Fairytale.

June 23, 2012.
Law Students' Society's Annual Grand Dinner 2012.


My +1: Raja Noor Syuhada
My date: Raja Nadhil Aqran

So, this time around, I was not part of the organizing committee, but I was the Host of the grand dinner with, le boyfie, Nadhil. It was a pleasant evening with all my friends dressing up in colourful dresses and the guys were all in some kind of tux-like outfit.

And the best part was that Jasyu came! Thank you, my dah-ling! It was fun dressing up and getting ready like...prom.

But hosting with my date was just amazing. I got to spend time with le boyfie for three days straight. And I've been missing him so much.

Maybe this time.

It's not easy, you know...life.

Life.

The thing about life is that it's so long and yet it feels so short. What was so many years ago can feel like it just happened. A second ago. And those moments that replay over and over again in your mind continues to haunt you, like nightmares of every waking moment.

This time around may be easier than it was. Or maybe it's just as hard but you've gotten used to it. The pain, the hurt, the devastating piercing heart-shatter. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and we haven't died yet.

Yes, it's easier now. It truly is. To make choices. To keep cool. But there are days and maybe even most nights that waking up is so painful because the things that you've seen, you've been through and you've done, although far worse than how it is now, remain somewhere in you. In your heart and in the hearts of everyone around you.

People come and go, right? And maybe some stay. But why? Why did they go? And why did they stay? It's not a choice that they made on their own but a compliance to the choice that you made too. You choose who stays just as much as they choose to leave.

And if I choose you, and you choose me...then...that would lead to a happily ever after, right?

WRONG!

Every choice has its consequences. And every step of the way...is an effort. You have to work things through. Through out your life. No matter who or what your choices are.

Regret trying. Or regret never knowing. Either way, what you regret, is a choice you make.

Rindu hadir atas dasar keterikatan

"I miss you" doesn't always mean "I want you back". 

Sometimes, it only means "You crossed my mind and I hope you're doing fine"

Yes. I miss you.

But I cannot tell you this.

Even if I want to.

Because everyone can see that I do.

Even you.

I have no need to tell you.

But for reasons unknown...

...I really wish you would tell me...

...Over and over again.

"Rindu itu hadir atas dasar keterikatan."

Somebody that I used to know.

I shouldn't be writing this.

Or even thinking this.

But here I am.

Finally.

Pouring it out.

No. I don't miss you. At all. It's just that I didn't think that it would feel like this. So...empty. It's not jealousy. I moved on way before you could even think it. It's not hurt. I don't have any feelings for you anymore. It's just empty. And sad.

History has been written in all the now empty spaces. In the air of the town...the malls...the bus stops...I can't pretend anymore.

The now empty seats, I cannot burn. Only bury deep under. There are places where your shadows still haunt. And I wish I could cry. I wish.

I wish you well.

The Girl Next Door

My favorite.

Cover.

"Perempuan pakai tudung baik. Perempuan tak pakai tudung jahat."

Sumpah rasa nak lempang orang cakap macam tu. Memang senang mulut tu nak luahkan kata-kata stereotype tu. Wahai lelaki, apa kata cuba try test dulu pakai tudung tu, pastu baru buka mulut tu.

Memang senang kan nak judge orang? Apa yang susah? Bukan kau yang rasa hidup dia. Kau tengok je. 

So freaking narrow-minded. Pffttt.

Lauk kat semua restaurant pun nampak sedap. Tapi bila rasa? Adakah semuanya sedap?

Yang pakai tudung tu, berapa ramai yang merokok, merempit, lepak tengah malam dengan laki....segala bagai?

Yang tak pakai tu memang confirm ke merokok, merempit segala bagai tu?

Yang pakai boleh jadi tak pakai, yang tak pakai pun boleh jadi pakai.

Here's an advice you should take:

If u see a sexy girl, going to the mosque and pray, dont judge. Pray for her. Pray that one day, she will go to the mosque well covered.

More than just songs.

Maybe I should give up?

Standin' out in the rain 

Need to know if it's over 

'Cause I will leave you alone.

I'm flooded with all this pain 

Knowing I'll never hold her 

Like I did before the storm.

Honestly, the lyrics hold so much meaning, to those that have felt it. And I have before. Which is why I felt like crying listening to the song.

I absolutely loathe the singers. *nak tahu siapa? Google la sendiri!* But the meaning behind the song, portraying itself through its lyrics, like poetry, depicting and illustrating exactly what you feel.

Many people, I am sure, post up song lyrics and poems and quotes as their statuses of Facebook and Twitter because the songs speak out what they can never really say. The songs are always meant for someone. Always.

I don't mind at all 

I don't mind that you only call me when you want 

And I'm just glad you want me at all 

Hearts 

And hearts that break the night in two 

And arms that can't hold you that true 

 So use me

College Life, I bid goodbye.

I was packed and ready to go, and three beautiful girls stood in front of me:
Adlin, Aqilah and Azra.

Me, Adlin, Hasee, Asilah, Azra

The girls that have been there for me this whole semester. The days I was in tears. The days I had to face my fears. Choosing outfits. All our laughters. We slept together, studied together and took a step to adulthood together. Each one of them teaching me their own kind of lesson, each one always motivating to move forward, to shoot a few times. And to learn that you don't have to score all the time, you just have to try hard enough, with each other, having each other's backs.

You're not supposed to judge. You're supposed to keep their secret like keeping your own. You're not supposed to be correct all the time. You are human. You make mistakes. But you grow up from these mistakes. You learn. And the most important thing of all, I learnt that some people come and go, and others, they stick.

I love you, girls.
Always had. Always will.

Unfold the unknown story of the unmentioned, unspoken and untold.

I stopped in my tracks. Your eyes bore into mine.

There are a thousand words that I could say to you. Wanted to say to you.

To tell you how I feel.

And yet, those thousands of words are taken from me, ripped from my heart into an abyss of nothingness.

You walk away. 

______________________________________________________

Between us are walls and gaps and a heart, whether broken or attached. Between us is a hope and reality, whether complimenting the other or only causing a mass destruction. Between us, is a story. 

That no one knows. Nor do they understand. Because they never saw it. Not really.

Just glimpses, that we allowed slip.

Just stolen glances, and silent prayers.

Never the touch. The winks. The slipping of the ring onto my finger. Unto your finger.

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?

"A lie is like a poison."

I can't open up. I don't know why. 

 Maybe I do. 

Know. 

Why.

You know there's this saying:

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me."

#3KALAM: Is The Third Time A Charm?

I directed this. I wrote the script. I did it! (with help and support of course, especially from my co-director and co-script writer, Haziq Ishak!) It was amazing and will always be.

I dreamed a dream.

I dreamt about you.

Just now.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

But...I think...I can't take it back.

The choice I made, once upon a time.

To give you my heart.

I remember swearing, crossing my heart.

I promised myself.

Never again.

But you came.

You conquered.

My heart.

In exchange for yours.

And this enchanting dream.

Like a charm.

You casted upon me.

Like a charm.

I casted upon you.

When darkness comes to light...it ends tonight. It ends tonight.

Teman.

Sahabat.

Kawan.

Whatever we were.

I just want to thank you.

For all the things that you did. All the things that you said.

And all the things you left unspoken.

Because, finally, it ends with a full stop. Not a comma, or a '...'

Finally, the book is closed. Shut. And left on the shelf of once upon a time.

No regrets.

Penakut.

Setiap kisah ada tiga.

Kisah yang awak tahu.
Yang mereka nampak.

Dan yang aku lalui.

Kisah kita yang tiada bukti. Yang tiada yang tahu. Yang tinggal hanya memori.

Memori.

Alangkah indahnya jikalau senang untuk melupakan.

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

Ini tidak adil

Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau bukan milikku

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Collaboration -A monologue

I wanted those moments - few and far between as they were. I wanted whatever time and affection you could give me. No matter what it cost me. It felt like I could find comfort in you. And maybe we weren't each other's first choice, you know? But I was glad that I was somewhere on the list. I let it happen again and again, more times than I can even count.

You wanted to keep things casual, you wanted to keep me at arm's length. You leaned on me. I cared about you so much. I can't explain it, but, I've seen the best and the worst of you... and I love you. I love the way you can tell me what I'm thinking. I love the way you tell a story, drawing me in. I love you for all the times you convinced me, with a stupid joke, or even just a look... to stop taking myself so seriously and just enjoy my life. Nothing could ever make me regret the way I feel about you.

What I feel for you isn't a negative thing. It makes me better, it makes my life better. That's what I've been trying to say: That love is never wrong, even when it grows in the worst conditions, with no encouragement..

Smile, eventhough your heart is breaking.

Why do you look at me with those sad looking eyes?
When we both knew it would come to this.
Don't get down on one knee.
Don't, please, confuse me.
Just let it go.
Set me free.

We are not to ponder on fate,
Nor ask even the most obvious.
Yes, you came too late.
My heart, I've given away to my only love.

Let me go.
And don't let me know
Why you look at me with those sad...sad looking eyes.
We both knew that it would come to this.

"I have to stop losing to you."

Not stop losing me.

Stop losing to me.

Even if it means losing me, right?

Because you freed yourself. FINALLY! Good for you! Seriously. They're happy for you, I'm sure. Especially since back about half a year ago they were all scratching their heads wondering while the hell are you with some dictating bitch of a 'queen'.

Congratulations!

You're right. I was wrong. So wrong. You're not clingy. It's just that you were miserable with me. I was the root of your problems. You must be relieved to have rid of me.

Yes. I admit. It hurts. That you left.

But I hope you're happy.

There are many things that I never really understood.

I thought I knew.

What I would do.
What I would feel.

I thought that unconditional love was, in fact, unconditional
To a person. To a lover. That you love for all the flaws and the bits and pieces.

I didn't think that it was more.
More than just the matters of the heart. More than anyone has ever told. No one told me that it was so hard. So difficult to the point of pulling one into the derision of disappointed hopes and dreams. No one told me that it can sometimes be more than whole. That even the in-between bits are mere microscopic matters.

I was never prepared for this.

For more than just me.

More than just us.

And turning away, stay -A monologue

"Don't you dare walk away from me! And don't tell me you're sorry! And don't tell me to forget it, and don't you dare tell me to "let it go." God knows, I'd like to. I wish I could, but I can't! I can't forget that we had something, and you're running away. You're running away! Don't you see? You're running from what I've searched for all my life! Why, because you're scared? Well, I'm scared too, but you and I - we have something worth fighting for. We could make it work, I'm not saying it would be easy, but I care about you. And I know deep down, under this...this bravado, you care about me. And that's what it's all about, don't you get it? It's the human experience. You can pretend all you want, but you're only lying to yourself. You're denying the simple and wonderful fact that you are emotional, and vulnerable, and alive.

Can you honestly stand there and tell me that I mean nothing to you? That everything that happened that night was a lie? That you feel nothing? I feel sorry for you. I'll move on. I'll find someone else. I'll be all right, because I will know that I tried. That I did everything I could. But someday you will look back, and you will realize what you threw away. And you will regret it always."

Kisah di luar gelanggang: Sudah panas berlari di bawah matahari yang panas, lu bikin panas.

Senang cerita.

Hari ini.

Ada drama. Seperti hari-hari sebelumnya. Tiada yang terkejut.

Tetapi kali ini tidak. Semua terbeliak mata.

Kami tidak akan menjadi majoriti yang mendiamkan diri.

Kami akan memperjuangkan, sekalipun kami minoriti.

Sarung cincin di jari. Terbawa-bawa, dibuai mimpi.

Awak.

Saya tak mahu.

Dibuai mimpi indah.

Tapi realiti.

Neraka. Dusta.

Awak.

Saya takut.

Dengan dosa yang melemaskan. Melampau.

Sakit. Hati. Sakit.

Tapi sakit lagi di alam barzah.

Tak rela. Tak rela!

Hari ini hari yang pelik.

Stress. Gila.

Ya.

Stress sampai gila.

Meeting sampai malam.

Dengan segala team-team buddy-buddy ganggu ketenteraman awam.

Sikit lagi aku mengamuk.

Sedih. Sangat.

Hari jadi. Selamat.

'Thank you syahira. :)'

You called me by my proper name.

Good.

Because I told you so.

I remembered.

Sakit. Hati.

Dekat. Tapi jauh.

Gembira.

7 bulan.

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to tell you.

"I can't suddenly tell you

all the things I should tell you -"

But I can tell you this.

Whether we break up or make up or break up then make up, you should know that it's not about mistakes. It's not me walking out on you, you walking out on me. It's not me leaving you for someone else or you hating me. It's about space. And time. And what's right and what's wrong. What should happen, could happen, might happen.

You said so yourself, "Kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana." If it's meant to be, no matter how far we drift apart, we will find each other once more.

But you don't believe it do you?

"If you love something, set it free. If it's meant to be, it'll come back to you."

I don't know how to tell you.

I don't know what to say.

But I can tell you this.

It's not about letting go. Or letting loose. Or leaving. Or waiting.

It's about changing. Everything changes. EVERYTHING changes. Our goals. Purpose. Dreams. Wishes. Hopes.

We've changed.

What we were all about.

So what are we all about?

"I thought I understood it.

...But I didn't. Not really.

Only the smudge-ness of it. The eagerness of it. The idea of it.

Of you and me."

Somebody that I used to know.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough

And you didn't have to stoop so low.

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over.

But I can't believe you shut me out like that. You knew how I was. How I still am. And that hurt. It hurts. You wonder how I look now. Here's a clue.

I've changed.

Happy Birthday, My Darling!

Happy Birthday, Raja Nadhil Aqran!

So make 19 wishes, on 19 candles, on the 19th of February. And may all your wishes come true.

I pray that every second of every minute of every hour of everyday would be a joyful one.

May Allah bless your life, and grant you a long one. Insya-Allah.

I love you.

And he creeps from behind and put his arms around my waist.

Watching the sunrise, brightening up your well lit face,

The smile, carved upon your pink lips,

Your soft touches on my bare skin,

Your eyes, reaching to my deepest soul where one have never reached.

Good morning, my darling. Good morning.

For it is a morning that is good.

To open my eyes to the sight of you. Oh, how I yearn for you.

And all the dreams that come with <3

The ones that love you, end up hating you.

The ones that promised they'd stay...

...end up leaving you.

True fact of life.

Deal with it.

Liar. Liar. Pants on fire. Put fire to the rock. I throw it back in your face.

STORY 1.

We're talking again. But I cannot tell you that it's gonna be the same. It's no longer safe. You watch your back. I watch mine. I am afraid. Of risking my heart again. of risking watching ahead only to realize that there's a dagger from behind.

STORY 2.

She asked me if I knew

Of what lies deep in your heart

How was I to tell her

It was right there in her eyes

She asked me all these questions

Of what no one understood

Which part should I tell her

Out of everything I knew

She asked me if I could

Reveal to her the truth

In her eyes

I made an angel

Out of the devil in you

The one that she is asking do not hold the key but how was she to see the answer was right there in her eyes.

STORY 3.

I don't just want us to be okay. I need us to be okay. I don't want to feel like everything I do is wrong. Like all I do is push you away. You say you're here to stay. Are you?

I am.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be reason why every time I walk out the door I see you die a little more inside.

It's getting more and more complicated.

Take a dagger in the back. Put that dagger in my heart.

You called me a bitch.

BITCH.

It's different. The empowering waves.

They say it's never simple never easy.

Never a clean break.

No one here to save me.

BFF: Best Friends FuckYou

I have a theory.

That sometimes, the people that are always around you, whom you call your ‘friends’, are not your friends.

Just think.

How did you come together?

You met talked and there was an instant connection.

Have you ever thought that the only connection you made was really, that all of you had nobody? So you cling to the nearest object a.k.a. person to you as if you cannot live without them.

Here’s a fact: At that particular moment, you can’t.

But only then.

What happens later is a series of fortunate or unfortunate events, where you grow either together or further apart then you originally were.

But here’s another question: What makes a friend?

Honestly? I thought I knew. But right at this moment, I feel like I don’t know shit.

You’d think you know someone, well enough, I might add. But the reality is, you never do.

Sebenarnya...

Awak faham kan?

Saja buat macam tak.

Tapi kenapa?

Adakah lebih menenangkan atau memuaskan atau hilang perasaan yang tak enak tu kalau terus-menerus membiarkan tangisan Sya mengalir? Kalau ya, teruskanlah. Sya rela.

Sya taknak kehilangan kawan.

Tapi kalau kehadiran Sya membuat awak tak keruan. Takpelah. Sya pergi.

Sya penat main tarik tali. Sebab tak ke mana. Sini tarik. Sana tarik balik. Sana tarik. Sini tarik balik. Silap haribulan, terputus tak kembali.

Kalau melepaskan tali tu lebih melegakan, lepaslah.

Sebab kadang-kadang, manusia tak puas dengan apa yang ada. Sentiasa cuba untuk mencapai lebih. Jadi, cuba lah ke jalan yang lebih baik. Sya doakan awak sentiasa.

You should know this.

One week of a bumpy road. Literally? Haha.

We did casual. Then, we went for spontaneous. And amazing. And wonderful. And perfect. Then, we just hung out with our friends.
It was the perfect night.

Then, we did drama. Ended up closer.

After, we did being there for each other. And your mum. And your house. And your friends. And getting lost on the road due to my idiotic navigator. And your car. And my sis. And mcD.

We're so comfortable with each other. Half and half.

Casual yet serious.

Thanks for a fairytale come true.

Enchanting.

You don't want to know because you don't care.

Let there be fire.
It's better than nothing.
Let there be hurricanes and storms.
Rather than silent drips.
Of the sand.
Like an explosion.
Waiting.
It's unfortunate attempts of duiffusion.
Wrong cut.
Tick. Tick. Boom.
And comes the empowering waves.
An ochestra.
It's better than silence.