Sunday, July 29, 2012

Blood shed on my hands you can never wash away.

Leave me out with the waste 
This is not what I do 

It's the wrong kind of place 
To be thinking of you 

It's the wrong time 
For somebody new 

It's a small crime 
And I've got no excuse 

Is that alright? 
Give my gun away when it's loaded 
Is that alright? 
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it 

Is that alright? 
Give my gun away when it's loaded 
Is that alright?
Is that alright, with you?

There's this saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." So how about this time, you answer it yourself. Is that alright?


Saturday, July 28, 2012

And I will make sure to keep my distance, say "I love you" when you're listening...


Are you ready for commitment?

To love. To live.

With a person. One and only.

I don't know. I really don't know.

But it's like my sister said,

If he didn't exist in my life, it could be any of those other guys. And any of those other guys would be perhaps even slightly easier. Suitable even.

But he exists in my life. And I can't live without him. And I don't know why. Or even how it all happened.

But it has happened. And, maybe, he is the one.

And loving him is not as painful as loving you. Any of you. Because he would never hurt me. Not as much as I've hurt him.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

UKECharisma INSPIRE Jeli, Kelantan.

One day, after arriving home from Putrajaya, I decided to spontaneously sign up to volunteer for this (refer to title). And, that night, I received an email that says I got the job! And the following Thursday, my dad said I could go! YAY!

So here's the 411 on the camp.

We (the facilitators) met up at KLSentral. Got onto a van. Picked up Razali at IIUM Gombak because he just had a series of unfortunate events, namely: his purse was in hi friend's locker. Which was locked. And his friend was in class.

We arrived in Jeli after 8 HOURS. Seriously.

We had our meeting to plan the event for the next day. Getting to know all the facilitators was fun. Kak Sharifah, the Director of UKECharisma was really pretty and cool. Then there was Alya, the 'beautiful and sexy girl' (said the students), Amni, my classmate in CFS IIUM and also Azwa. As for the boys, we had Arief, the cool Kelantanese architect student who doesn't sound kelate when he speaks, Louis, the only Chinese and Razali.

The next day, the students arrived. I got group 3 which consisted of 16 students which was too much for me which was tiring and such a challenge. ESPECIALLY when the boys refused to talk to the girls.

But things got better on the second day. In fact, the last night of the camp was a tearful one. The students had to write a letter to their facilitators and we wrote letters for them as well. Although all the facilitators just wrote one general one for the whole group and read them out loud, I wrote a letter for each and everyone of my team members. I think I injured myself writing 16 pages worth of letters in one-shot.

Anyway, other than conducting the camp, we had our own treat as well. But that's a story for another day.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Playing the field.

Someone once asked me:

"Hey, Sya. Don't you want to live your life before settling down? You're still young. Don't you want to go and have fun first?"

Actually, I have 'lived my life'. I've already gone and 'have fun'.

Dating? Having relationships? Friendships? All the life dramas?

What more?

Someone from another religion? Someone from another ethnic? Rich guy? Poor guy? Son of Tan Sri(s)? Son of politicians? Son of teachers? Son of... The pengkid. The lesbian. The straight. The gay. The athlete. The nerd. The smart-ass. The idiot. The funny. The serious. The nice guy. The jerk. The corny ones who sing to you off-key on your birthday. The ass who forgot your birthday. Being played. Playing.


And so, I'm done. I'm not looking for any more experiences because I've had it. I know my choices. I know.

And I've changed. Maybe a lot. Maybe a bit. But I've been through hell. I've been through those moments.

You know? Those moments that you wish were just a nightmare and that you'll wake up to find that it was all a fragment of your imagination. Only to open your eyes the next morning and realize that it's never going to go away?

Been there. Done that. Don't want to go back.

I have been through so much. So much that it's exhausting to even think about them. I just want to live my life in peace. Have a career. Have a family. Have children. Have grandchildren. And just live happily kind of ever after.

I've met some people. Lost some people.

Ultimately, life moves on. And you just have to learn from your mistakes. At least from your own mistakes, if not others as well.

I may not be old and wrinkly. But it doesn't mean I haven't lived.