Thursday, December 29, 2011

"Tak payah nak visit historical sites sangat la."

Lawak. Gila.

Hari ni, lepak dengan member lama memang best. Awesome gila!

Tapi. Entahlah. Aku teringat tiba-tiba zaman jahil kita dulu.

Macam lah sekarang ni tak.

Tapi. Aku ingat rasa bahagia dulu. Sekarang, aku lebih bahagia. Kerana aku tahu, aku seorang yang tabah. Kalau tak, tak mungkin aku masih boleh berdiri.

Memori tak boleh padam, kan?

So make the best out of it. And have fun while you're at it. Let's face it. No one wants to look back and regret how we ignored when they said, "Run as fast as you can."

But, remember, sure we'll look back at the laughter and cry. But I promise, you can look back at the tears and laugh.

I did it.


Monday, December 26, 2011

Kepada dia yang tahu ini untuk dia.

Sungguhpun kita seakan-akan tak dengar teguran, tak hayati tazkirah percuma yang pernah diberi, tahulah, kita dengar. Kita hayati. Tapi kita takut.

Awak tak tahu.

Sungguhpun kita seakan-akan tabah, seperti batu yang dihempap seribu kali pun tak musnah. Tapi kita sudah pun hancur.

Awak tak tahu.

Sungguhpun kita menjauhi diri dari perkara yang seakan-akan baik buat kita, yang seakan-akan boleh menjadikan kita "a better person". Kita tak mahu menjadi penarik ke dunia yang dipenuhi kegelapan.

Awak tak tahu.

Sungguhpun kita seakan-akan mengabaikan segala yang kita baru pelajari.

Awak tak tahu.

Kerana awak tak nampak apa yang disebalik tabir.

Tapi, awak berusaha. Terima kasih, awak.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve: In all the meaning it holds.

Suhaili called me up to ask me to go to Maher Zain's concert with her. Then, she had an extra ticket, so we invited Jasyu along. On the same day, I met Nasyim at the site. And he said that Deanna was asking us to gather.

And behold, the outcome of the day.

Jasyu fetched me to teman her go do her hair. Instead of just waiting, I did my hair too. Result? You'll see.

Then, we went to Jusco to meet Nasyim and Deanna! *whom I miss so so so so so much!!!!!!!*

After, we went to my place and met up with Suhaili! After Maghrib prayers, we set off with my family who scored VIP tickets, thanks to my dad. *Suhaili, Jasyu and me had the normal ones.* And behold! While we were in the car, my dad got a phone call, telling him to bring his whole family. So we went with him.

We, the girls, sat at the group behind the MB. Only to find that Farah Najwa's dad was right behind us. So she came and sat with us!

After the concert, as we shook hands with the VVIP(s), Auntie Pah invited us over to meet Maher Zain in person. An intimate event they called "Supper with Maher Zain!"

So talking to the MB who is a UIAM/IIUM alumni and his wife, also an alumni of my college, Suhaili and Jasyu *who are law students, mind you* were quite quiet. *oooh. Tounge twister!*

Maher Zain came. We took pictures. There were fireworks. As in, REAL fireworks. Not the stupid love so-called 'fireworks', because that's just weird. Then, we had supper, at about 12AM. After which we went home and collapsed because of the exhaustion.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

"That's your house right? Okay, not going that way," said the kidnapper (a.k.a. ME!)

It is a beautiful day.

This is what friends are for.

Notice the tears?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

No tear shed.

Proof of the heartless, thoughtless.

Unsent Letter

Somehow, I wish we could still be friends. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to someone who knows me in and out. And when I think about it, I realized that once upon a time, it was you. But...not anymore. Now, it's like we're strangers. And I hate that. But...I guess that's the path that we both chose. Here's the thing. Your mum once asked me to tell you when I have forgiven you. IF I could forgive you. And I do. Forgive you. And I'm sorry too. -s

"You never think the last time's going to be the last time - you think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't."

It's true. I know it to be true.

And because of this quote, which everyone seems to know, you'd think we have all learnt our lesson - and appreciate the people we love and the time we have with them, more often.

But that is never the case.

Because we forget. We forget that time is of the essence. Or rather, we too are fools, never ever thinking that the last time is the last time. It just simply never crosses our minds.

And the memory of the last time?

Before you knew that it was actually the last time, and that you'll never have it anymore, you catch yourself smiling and laughing with happiness and joy when you replay it in your mind.

But when it hits you, the memory only cease to kill you.

I used to replay those memories in my head over and over again. Until that memory
almost killed me.
"To die in your arms is such a heavenly way to die."
is a big FAT

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Ombak Rindu: A screwed up fairytale.

You either have the screwed up storyline with the fairytale ending,
Or the fairytale with the screwed up ending.

How beautiful it once was.

How incredibly ridiculous it all really was.

"When I step into that cinema and watch that movie that's based on the book that was our book, just know that eventhough you didn't hit me like he hit her, you hurt me more than he hurt her..."

Thursday, November 24, 2011

"Am I not enough?"

Your words ring clearly in my head.

I can't just close my eyes and pray that it will all go away. It doesn't work that way. I know that now.

Penny once asked me, "He knows you're crazy, right? As in CRAZY crazy!"

Here's one thing about being crazy.

Sure, at first, you go into this trance...this sense of oblivion...where you're numb to reality. You don't feel anything anymore and you can go and do something out of the ordinary...out of character...brave, even.

I have this theory that the reason people do 'crazy' is because...well, they're shaken. In life, you face choices. And you make a choice, so you stick with it. But, one day, you think, 'what if'. And all you want is to escape reality. Then, you try it. You lose it. You lose control.

It's like closing your eyes and dreaming.

But the thing is, you can't escape reality that long. When you open your eyes, you have to face the consequences of not only your reality, but the excess of your so-called dreams.

I run away because of fear.

I'm so messed up.

But I'm working on it.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Don't you remember?


Everyone makes them.

So, here's a question:

Which one is the mistake and which one isn't?


Do you regret it? Don't you? Should you?

If I say I don't regret a mistake, then...that's bullshit! Because, if you know it was a mistake, you'd regret it, right?

Or you can keep fooling yourself saying that you don't regret it because you learnt something from it.

I used to think that regrets are a waste of time. I guess, in the end, the bigger question is:

What is regret?

I used to think that it was wishing you could change what you've done. And, that's a big waste of time. Because you should live in the present and not the past. Or else, everything will just pass you by. think it's not that at all.

Regret is a promise you make to yourself never to repeat that mistake and to learn from it. You need to regret to grow up.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

Awak. Awak tahu tak?

Saya sedih.

Tapi gembira.

Kadang-kadang, saya tertanya-tanya.

Tapi kadang-kadang saya tak nak tahu jawapannya.

Saya tak suka kehilangan kawan.

Tapi siapa sebenarnya kawan dan siapa yang bukan?


Awak tahu tak?

Awak betul.

Saya salah.

Tapi kadang-kadang saya betul.

Awak salah.

Tapi saya tak kisah.

Salah ke betul ke, yang penting kita cuba.


Jangan tinggalkan saya, tau?


Tapi kalau awak tinggalkan saya pun saya masih boleh hidup.

Awak pun boleh hidup.

Jadi, apa persoalannya sekarang?


Kenapa awak masih ada?

Awak sayang saya?

Ke saya sayang awak?

Awak tak tahu?

Saya lagi tak tahu.

Kalau kita asyik fikir, mesti pening.

Tapi kalau tak fikir, macam mana pulak?

Ikut hati mati.

Tapi kalau tak ikut hati, kan perit.

Ish. Peningkan hidup?


Awak tahu.

Tapi saya tak.

Ke awak tak tahu?

And the eyes that penetrate through, with a whisper of hope in the wind, all the tears are given true (repost)

What does that even mean?
I wrote this sometime in addmaths back in MRSM Taiping. Now, I have no idea what it means! Does it even have a meaning?

You know, I scribble in text books and on paper that are slipped in the text books that when I open them after months...or years...I will suddenly recall the memories...but sometimes, I have no clue on what I wrote... It makes no sense...

Seeing this, I wondered if I have lost my mind somewhere in time. Then, out of the blue, BAM!, I understood. It only took a picture. One F***ing picture was like a PANG!

-I miss him. I miss her. I miss them. I miss you. I miss it.-

That's what I recall now. It means that when you look into someones eyes and you feel like you can actually see them and understand them, then the tears he/she/you shed is a sense that it is what you feel and not just an act.

I got so frustrated at the fact that the people I's like they don't miss me back. It's not sad...It is UNBEARABLE!

Why? Why is it when you do give yourself to someone...whether a lover, a friend or family, they always let you down?

I took this personality test thingy, and I was said to be a pusher. No, I don't push people into something...I push people away. If they get too close, and start to understand me *or something like that* I push them away. I am a loner.

At first, it sounded like CRAP! But it started to sink in...and it is true. Shaik once had a conversation with me.

Me: But it's not enough.
Shaik: Or is it?

If you are confused, I'm not going to explain it because it's a 'in the moment' kind of thing. But it got me wondering...who was it, really, that didn't try?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

What are you gonna do when the truth comes out and everybody knows what you're all about.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want anyone to get hurt.

I know that that's a pathetic excuse because now, EVERYONE has shed a tear.

I don't want to lie.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to sing 'The one that got away'- Katy Perry.

I'm scared of what the future holds.

Maybe that's why I never made a choice.

But, honestly, there wasn't really a choice to be made.

I don't know how to explain it.

Ask me. Then, I'll tell you.

Just know that it still does.
...To turn into something I hate.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

This is the last time I'll forget you, I wish I could.

I remember just waiting for her to take you away. Watching, helplessly. Hopeless.

I did nothing to stop her. To stop you.

My tears had dried out.

But I shed a tear for the soul that was lost in the selfish war of the deceptive bastards.

And your gift of blocking me?


Even better than Teddy.

Even better than me throwing that cheap black bangle back in your face.

White chocolate.


I have changed. I admit.

Sadly, you haven't.

I miss you.


I do.

But you don't.

Know what?

I've gone through that life you're living.

But you never had to go through what I had to.

And the plans we made? That made us one of the same?

I didn't plan all this.

I planned none of this.

But I'm not going back to that.

I miss it.

I do.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Saya orang Melayu. Jadi saya blog dalam bahasa ibunda saya.


Pernahkan anda tertanya-tanya kenapa seorang perempuan menangis hanya kerana seorang lelaki? Mungkin sebab anda sudah terbiasa dengan auta bahawa perempuan memang suka menangis...

Seorang perempuan takkan menangis dengan mudah, tetapi hanya apabila dia mula menyintai anda, dia mula merendahkan egonya untuk anda semata-mata kerana anda.
... ...
Apabila dia menangis di hadapan anda,
Apabila dia menangis kerana anda,
Pandanglah matanya,
Bolehkan anda rasakan apa yang dia rasa?
Pernahkah anda CUBA untuk memahami apa yang dia rasa?
Berbaloikah dia menangis,
Dihadapan anda,
Hanya kerana anda?

Dia menangis bukan kerana dia lemah,
Dia menangis bukan kerana dia kasihan atau simpati,
Dia menangis,
Kerana dia tidak lagi mampu untuk menangis didalam hati,
Kesedihan yang dirasainya menjadi semakin berat untuk disimpan.

Cuba ambil masa untuk berfikir,
Jika si dia menangis hanya kerana anda,
Mungkin sudah tiba masanya anda fikir kembali di mana silap anda,
Kerana hanya anda tahu jawapannya.

Kerana suatu hari nanti,
Ianya mungkin terlalu lambat untuk menyesal,
Atau terlalu lambat untuk mengucapkan “maafkan saya…”

Guys, kalau seorang perempuan menangis kerana anda, janganlah anda membiarkan dia menangis keseorangan. Beradalah disisi dia, menemani dia, kerana dialah yang akan setia dengan anda sehingga akhir hayat anda.

Guys, kalau seorang perempuan menangis kerana anda, janganlah anda meninggalkan dia selagi dia masih memerlukan anda. Kerana anda akan merosakkan hidup dia.

Guys, jangan pernah mengungkapkan rasa cinta anda kepada seorang perempuan selagi anda belum benar-benar yakin dan sedia untuk bercinta. Kerana anda hanya akan membuatkan si dia menangis dan sengsara...Mudah bagi seorang perempuan untuk berpura-pura melupakan cinta lamanya terutama cinta pertama, tetapi bukan mudah untuk membuang parut dalam jiwanya...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Knowing what everyone else doesn't. Not knowing what everyone else does.

The difference between promises and memories?

You break them.

They break you.

I love it when the guy lets the girl drive.

Letting go doesn't mean letting go. Just like forgetting doesn't mean forgetting. It means pretending it was all a dream. And either thanking God that you woke up from the nightmare or wishing to God that you can dream it again. But you can't replay your dreams. Like you can't replay the past. So...yeah, life is like a dream.

So don't ever ask a person to forget you.

Because no one ever truly lets go. You hold on. To the memories. To the...that feeling of anxiety or tranquility or anything at all. Something in this world can trigger that memory.

And you can't erase people's memories. So just let it be.

And know, that dreams are reality.


Friday, October 21, 2011


If you asked me to
Remember the first day
I can't recall
How we ended up this way

If you asked me to
Remember the first night
I can't recall
When you even start or tried?

*After all the silent prayers
After all the brief touches
After all of the stolen glances
I look away.

**As we say our last goodbyes
I never thought I'd hear you cry
Those silent tears will never die
Sorry it had to end tonight
Just keep us in our memories.

Maybe he was right
I let you in my life
I don't know why
I didn't try to pull away

I thought that we were friends
I thought that we were fine
But you took a step
A step too close, crossed the line.


After all the things we said
Or things we still left unspoken
I understand that you can't say
Even though you've gone away

Let's just leave the bridges burned and the pictures scattered on the floor.
No one will know. Well, they don't know.

That we have said our last goodbyes.
They'd never thought I've heard you cry
Those silent tears will never die
We knew that it would end that night
But we'll hold on to our memories.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

l'esprit de l'escalier

You know the feeling you get after a conversation? As you think about all the things you could have...should have said.

But it's too late.

The conversation is over. It's over. Fini.

Quand le vin est tiré, il faut le boire. But once the conversation is over, you're not getting it back.

How many times do we wish that we could go back and say something, or take back something we've said.

Surely everyone has dreamt about turning back time and going back to the old days.

Would our lives be better if we could?

It is impossible to answer as we will never truly know. However, that does not mean we do not think about what it would be like if it was possible. Some people say that if they could turn back time and had to do life all over again, they would not change one single thing. They would go through each and every moment like they did before.

Me? Personally? I have no idea. I have made mistakes. A lot of mistakes. And I mean A WHOLE LOTTA mistakes. I guess somedays, I wish I could change the past. Hoping that that would make the present more bareable.

Maybe that's why I'm so hardcore. Because of all the things I see now. Of all the things I do now. I've seen worse. I've done worse.

Here's a secret, once you past the boundaries, you don't stop. You push through.

And with friends like mine? Surviving is easy. It's the risk that's fun.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

"Forgive yourself, and don't let it torture you...
You are more than that, you are a beautiful person, with a big heart and a beautiful mind...
Don't let one bitter experience tear that down."

I don't know. I don't know that I can do that.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Do you remember the nights we'd stay up just laughing, smiling for hours at anything? Remember the nights we drove around crazy...

Yes. I love them. So much.

These are my girls. The ones that get me through the light, dark and grey. Morning, night, evening, afternoon, rain, shine, cloudy, name it. I remember those moments. The laughter that filled the spaces that I thought were for tears. The smiles that replaced the emptiness.

I miss you girls. I love you girls.

I don't need to flashback to 'us'. Because no matter how far we are, I know I'll always have you guys. Miles cannot break us. You guys keep me strong.

I remember thatPINKshirt. The stupid and crazy things I've done. Half of which you were with me. And the other half, you guys know about and keep me sane. Keep me alive. Keep me breathing. Keep me moving forward. I survived my downfall, because you were there for me.


"Long live the walls we crashed through
How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered." -Taylor Swift-

Monday, October 10, 2011

My Superman.

It was a wild weekend in KL. Very wild. Very crazy.

But the gist of it?

My lovely awesome sister saved me.

My Superman was always ALWAYS there for me.

I love you, my Superman.

There was a surprise birthday celebration for yours truly.

And Happy 2 months anniversary, my darling.
It's amazing that you remembered.
That's because you ARE AMAZING.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Here's this song I wrote trying to explain me.

Something’s in my heart,

If you please, Pardon me,

I didn’t tell you from the start.

I don’t know why

Why I always lie

Pretend that I don’t cry

Acting like I'm so strong,

Ending up, I'm always wrong,

But please don't say "So long."

Throwing pebbles, throwing stones,

Sticks and stones won't break my bones,

But I'm all alone.

But look deep inside me

I pretend like I don't care, see

But I do. I do.

Every night I'm down on my knees

Praying to God, "Oh please,

Just save me. Just save me."

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


...that day passed.

And there was this picture. Just for that day.



You weren't supposed to remember. You out of all people who didn't care, wouldn't care, couldn't care...I thought you were bad with memorizing numbers and dates!...


I forgot. Everything you ever told me was a lie.


Just...why? Why did you have to remember and show that you remember? It's like you dedicated a day to that picture. Which means something. But WHAT?

What did you intend it to mean?

Friday, September 16, 2011

Prayer for a better day.

Through all the sadness
Through all the tears
Too many bad days
A bad start to the year.

Through all the pain that
I had to push through
I know in my heart
That I still have you.

I was on my knees
Praying to God, "Please
Save me.
Please save me."

And at the end of it all, I met you.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

When can I be the girl?

Always strong. Always pretending to be strong.

Even now.

I guess it's true that you can't rely on anyone but yourself.

I have to stop.

I see her and I see me. Because I don't want to be that. That 'I need you' 'I don't care, I'm just gonna say it, "I love you!" There I said it!' kind of person. Because...then...I'll just end up broken.

So. Broken.

I remember things like tears and pain and hurt. And the thing is...I'm afraid. I'm scared senseless.

Shit la. Seriously. Why do I have to be strong all the time???

I'm done with being strong. I envy the weak.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just Kiss Me Already.


Just hold me in your arms and never let go.

Let's not waste tears on times that are for smiles.

If he's special to you, you'll save him.

But I'm sad

Because I'm torn

Because I want to

But I shouldn't

It's all messed up

But last night

I was resisting

I really was

But there was this point

This moment

And I couldn't stop myself.

But I should have.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I've always said that the power of knowledge, is the power to hurt...

...Well, I'll be damned.

I was wrong.

Knowing doesn't necessarily have to hurt. Sometimes, knowing creates this...this builds bridges instead of destroying them.

I was always afraid of knowing because I always thought,
"What if the truth isn't something that I like?"
"What if the truth hurts so much that it becomes unbearable?"

I forgot.

What if the truth, the reality, is more amazing than anything that you could ever imagine?


Friday, August 26, 2011

The taste of honesty.

Here's a song that keeps replaying in my head. It goes like this:
Nothing but your t-shirt on.

Lingering with your perfume and a smile plastered on both our faces, as we lay there. Just lay there.

And I open up to you, with tears in my eyes.

Here's the truth:

I only wanted the honesty.


Monday, August 22, 2011

You know that I could use somebody...


Out of nowhere.

His name came up.

Here's the thing. I wish he'd just forgive me.

I wish I never hurt him in the first place.

I wish I was good enough.

But I'm not.

The words that still rings in my ear.

"Sya, honestly...I kecewa."

I'm sorry.


I opened up to you.

Everything you wanted to know. Everything.

I laid my guard down.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


The question posted by Dr. Cinta of the night was:

"Would it be a burden to you?"

Good question.

This question HAS been running through my head for awhile... still is.



Pretty much, nada.

Or. Who the hell knows?.

I am scared of both. Taking it in and distancing myself from it....whatever 'it' is.

Taking it in means taking the plunge. Take that dive. Jump off the cliff.
The upside: Someone might just catch you.
The downside: Or you'll end up dead.

Distancing means pushing away. Creating spaces.
The upside: It wouldn't hurt like jumping would.
The downside: Missing out on a great adventure.


Good idea.

Monday, August 15, 2011

You told me you **** me so why did you go...away?

I thought I would wake up that day and just remember it.

But I didn't.

I didn't think about it that day. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

So, why did I think about it today?

My friend, Alya, said something about being exactly where she was last year, the same time this year.

Then, I thought...I forgot about it. Completely.

I did not wake up that morning with tears streaming down my face or the twisted pain in my stomach. All that, no longer exist anymore, for me.

Just in case you read this, like you always had...




Because, that day marked the most amazing night of my life. Without you. Forever without you.

Yes. I moved on.

Friday, August 12, 2011


I meant extreme sports!


Not to mention EXTREMELY CRAZY!

Here's what I really felt:



It was crazy. It was scary and nerve-wrecking. It was amazing.

"I feel like holding you."

I feel like you're the most amazing thing that happened to me.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Baby, I'm missing you. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t stand looking at those pictures on my shelf.


I though about you, Resh. You are in PJ. Your house is in PJ. I have been in PJ for MONTHS now. But I still haven't built up the courage to knock on your door and kick it open like I used to.

I'm afraid, for one. Because you were right and always have been.

It's not forgiveness from you I seek, as I know I didn't do you any wrong. But what I am sorry for is for concealing it from you. When it was the same day that I was supposed to meet you.

I miss you and all the retard-ness. That's what we were. The sisterhood of the retards.

God, I miss my best friends. And, dear, I miss you straight forward, outspoken truthfulness. This world needs more of you.

And less of me.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Today, the butterfly flew away.

I thought I was drowning in the empowering waves.
But, now, I can breathe again.

And no longer with force,
I do it because I want to.
Because I can.

Finally, the waves have washed off the footsteps on the sands.

Finally, I washed the mascara stains off the pillow.


I did it.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Just like a tattoo. I'll always have you.

A butterfly.
Because it symbolizes metamorphosis. A change. Growing up, in a sense. From a little caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.


You are the star in the sky,
The one I wish upon every night.

If I'm dreaming someone wake me up,
or just take me.

I see you walk to me,
But I am so afraid,
But I can't help myself from hoping.

Baby, I love you.

Have a break. Have a kit kat.

So during the break, go try another type of chocolate.

Rather than sitting and eating. Making you a fat pig.

In the same day, you can feel happy and utterly miserable.


I'm weak. So weak. *slaps myself. "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!* ...I'm trying.

I am trying my best to be strong and keep my head held high.

But today, someone told me that I'm different. And that's what makes me special. The best compliment ever.

"What makes you different makes you beautiful."

Friday, August 5, 2011

Maybe Ebby Azwin is right.

"The older you get, the harder it is to get friends."

And he was right. I've seen 3year old making friends. Refer to my post when I was a Kindergarten teacher.

Why can't we do that anymore?




How can I forget?

Some people are just too annoying.
Some are too good.
Too dramatic. Too pretty. Too ugly. Too normal. Too weird. Too serious. Too playful.
Too this.
Too that.

It's sad.

So. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my guard down and make a friend today.

I mean, sure, she or he prejudged me. But how is she or he supposed to know what I am really like if I don't give them the chance, right?

Here goes nothing.

I don't want to know.






I choose what to tell. And what not to tell.

I choose NOT to tell you...errr...maybe because I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I don't ask you, "Why are you being extra nice to that guy? Do you like him?"

I didn't even ask you, "Why are you telling me all these?"

I'm not stressed out. Just annoyed. Because I don't like it. Never did. Never will.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Opinions. Open-mindedness. Liberal.

It might not make any sense to you, since I'm always writing about what I think and what I feel..
...BUT the thing is,
I HATE IT when people ask me for my personal opinion or view on an issue.

Especially in front of the class.
Because I don't want to offend anyone with my apparently 'liberated' opinions.
But obviously this post proves that I'm not at all that liberal.
I am conservative. In certain aspects, that is.

Exhibit A: I'm not outspoken in my opinion much.
Exhibit B: I don't talk about my feelings.

But that's because I'm different.
I am individualistic.
I do what I do. You do what you do.
You don't affect me. I don't affect you.
You don't tell me to drink. I don't preach to you.

The other JUDGMENT.

When people ask for your view or thoughts, you can feel can see it...the wheels turning in their heads, assessing you, JUDGING you. Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you?!

You won't know me through my thoughts and opinions. I'm twisted. Really twisted.

So DON'T ask me 'what?' or 'why?'. Just watch me. OBSERVE. Then, you'll understand.

Because those of you who are trying to assess me, you have NEVER been in my 5-inch stilettos. But if you give it a try, you might trip, flat on your face...and break your nose....or...not.
You don't know, do you?


Stop asking.

And stop wondering.

I'M not trying to assess you.

Even though, to me, you are weird.

Like to you, I am weird.



So deal with it.


Judgment Day.

To judge.

To pass judgement.

Different things.


Fav quote of my own. *who the hell quotes herself?*

"If you want to judge me. Go ahead. Judge me. But who are you to pass judgement on me to a person who knows me better than you do?"

Everyone has a right to their own opinion. But to what extend?

Food for thought, people.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Talk it through.


My fault for not wanting to talk about it and bottling it in.

But you thought I wouldn't care?


Of course I cared.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I have been reading a bunch of guys blogs and Tumblr(s) and I was like"

"BEST GILE! I wanna blog like that!"

Then, IT HITS ME! I'm a GIRL!

What's my point?


Especially since I'm MISS EMOTIONALLY-RETARDED. You see, life's like that.

So here's an emotion I feel now.


WAIT. that even an emotion?

*...errr...I don't care?*

Question: What are you confused about?

Now THAT is a long story. SUPER LONG STORY.

But let's take it as it is.

So you're stuck in a situation where there are only two possibilities...there's only two possible endings.

What do you do?

Do you wait it out? See what happens next? Go with the flow?


How many times do you want to get hurt before you just throw the game?


You dream, hope...wish...AND THEN?



But what if...
....*OMG! See that? I had to go and think "WHAT IF?"*

Anyway, yes. WHAT. IF. ?.

Maybe I do have trust issues.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Okay. What's your point?

It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust me with you. I don't trust you with my heart. Coz, what if one day you break it?

But when you held my hand, reassuringly, telling me that I have you, until when, baby?

For how long?

I'm not being insecure. I'm being realistic.

And it sucks. But still...

It's not like you were so different then.

But there's this other thing.

I'm not good for you.

You're good for me. But I'm not good for you.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

He can be the one.

Finally, I told my sister about him.

Honestly, when he says he wonders if I don't feel what I say, I felt like knocking his head.

I feel what I say. Doesn't mean I say what I feel.

But, he isn't desperate. I mean, I'm into him too.

I'm just not ready, you know?

I need time. A pretty LONG time. But, still.

And he tells me he is patient. I hope he isn't the type of guys who only says things. But leave words as words.

You see, in my whole life, I pretty much summed up guys into 4 categories.

1. Who runs away from his feelings. (P.P.)

2. Who doesn't even know what he feels. (V or Bee)

3. Who shows how he feels but doesn't say it. (L)


4. Who tells you and shows you...BUT NEVER MEANS IT. (ANJ)

But he has shown me how he feels. And he MOST DEFINITELY has told me...but whether he means it or not....I don't know. I guess, time will tell.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Same but different...

The things that make us similar makes me hate me...

Because I understand. And that makes me hate it even more.

How you can't see that maybe its breaking her. To see.

Like it broke me. And it's breaking you.

Shit. I can't think properly. I can't think anymore. I can't think.

Just know that everyone has a past. But we have to get through it. Maybe not forgive it. Or forget it...but he have to let it go.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Commitment freak and forward.

The 'L' word.
When it bombs down on you.
Scary? But baby, I love you too.

Sure, I felt like running when you said "5 years from. 10 years from now, I want you there in my life." Which made you say, "Now you think 'OMG! He's crazy! He wants to marry me!!!' ...But that's how I feel."

But I guess it's okay.

But you have to learn how to tolerate my constantly changing mood swings.
I know I create this barrier between us when I'm with my friends or when we're around people. But I'm scared senseless. I freak out. I'm emotionally retarded...if anyone has read the last 100 entries of this blog. I'm twisted. And I'm in the midst of changing. But you?...
...You make me hopeful.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you...

My manifesto was a success!

But i was sooo embarrassing when he and his friends stood up and applauded when I came in. I could feel my face turn red. Hihi.

But, damn it! My life is so perfect.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Jump up and reach up high.

Me: No jumping, no running, no wrestling, no pushing, no pulling...

Children: That's a lot of NOs.

Louis: *Jumps and fell and hurt his knee. Miss Sya. *starts crying*

Me: *padan muka!* I told you, no jumping!..........*sheeetttt. He's so adorable.* Hmmm...come here.

Louis: *hugs me*

My favorite memory.

Don't you ever grow up.

Louis and Marcus were playing. Marcus put his hands on Louis's shoulder.

Me: Louis.

Louis: Not ME! Marcus!

Me: No. I want to ask you something.

Louis: Oh.

Me: You speak Mandarin and French?

Louis: My mummy speaks Chinese. My daddy speaks Francais. I speak English

Me: Do you speak Francais?

Louis: A little bit.

Marcus: I wanna learn Malay.

Louis: I don't know how to talk Malay.

Me: I know Malay.

Louis: That's because you're Malay.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bye bye Miss Sya.

Today was the last day of work.

The last day of being 'Miss Sya.'

I cried. Of course I cried. It was so heart breaking. I was leaving Louis, Abby, Sean, Lecia, Jocelyn and all my darlings and my babies behind.

Dylan, Akash and all FS3A (Mrs Das's class *my class for the first few weeks*) hugged me and said "We're gonna miss you," in their British and Indian accents.

Sean understood that it was my last day and hugged me and sat with me and kept looking at me. He said he's not happy that Miss Sya go away. Cannot see Miss Sya anymore. OMG. Heart breaking!!!

As usual, after lunch, I sat with Louis at the walk between the kitchen and the Toddler's class where you can see the trees and the cars and we always spy who comes and goes...So took pictures but today, I didn't tell him a story. Instead, I hugged him and said, "Louis, when Miss Sya isn't here, be a good boy, OK?" He said OK. And he kissed me. And hugged me 'goodnight' (Naptime) And I cried.

Even Chang Wei who is like a 2 1/2 years old and always play suddenly kiss my cheeks. And smile so CUTE!

So how can I not cry? Of course I cried. Because I love them so much.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

In a deep slumber, I dreamt about us. And you chose me. But we will never be together.

Unlike on Tumblr, I'm gonna write out my dream. In hopes that someone will read it and understand it...

It started with me being a chaperon to Ms. Arveen's class to Godknowswhere and by some miracle you were there too. Coaching a group of students in that sports that you play.

Then, of course we weren't going to the same place at first. But again, for some miracle reason, the place I was headed to was close so we decided to check out your game and your 'community'. A weird community that is.

So, I was half-hiding-half-hoping that you'd see me. And I could hear your voice. You were THAT close. SO close.

After awhile, I kinda went and made myself seen by going for a tour with this dude who may-or-may-not exist in real life. And you saw me. So you texted me.

I wanted to reply. I already typed it out. Something about me not having hard feelings or me being pissed off but I wanted to act like I'm fine or something.

Then, there was your dad...hmmm...things got kind of complicated. And I asked you to tell me the truth. You didn't. Because your dad was there. But the thing is, I already know about your 'community' and whatever...

You started to walk away. And I was supposed to let you go. But I felt something. A longing. A sense of belonging. I ran to you. I ran into you. And put my arms around you with tears in my eyes.

Somewhere between the horrified reaction I got from a bunch of people and this spark, you chose me.

Which was most definitely NOT supposed to happen. So something happened. Everything went out in smoke. And things zoomed out and the next thing you know, I was seeing the world. And everyone was on the floor. Fainted. Except your community type of people. They became worms or bugs. Colourful worms. Like green and pink and stuff...And the bugs can fly. And the bugs flew to this window and filled it up. And then, blackness. Like the world ended or something.

And I'm just watching it all in the cinema with my mum. WEIRD.
Then, we discussed the movie and I was like, the 'us' in the movie didn't end up together. Because the world ended. And even if it didn't, you became a worm.

*And in all's heartbreaking in a weird what-the-hell-was-that kinda way.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I'm going back to preschool.

As you all may or may not know, I am now a teacher at Tenby's Kindergarten. So, the first day of work, I woke up super early because I was just too excited.

I arrived at about 7.30am and began my first task. Helping Miss Anne (Stephen Saw's mother) greet the kids and carry them and their bags (which are bigger than them) out of the cars.

Then, Mrs Puvanes sent me off to Mrs Ang's class. FS2B...I think. When I entered the class (The same class as my trial) Mrs Ang was like, "Sean's crying. Can you try to calm him down. I have to do some paperwork."

Sean, 3 going on 4, was a new student. He was crying for his mummy. He went all, "I want my mummy *insert tears*..."

So, after bringing tissue for Akhill, I went back to Sean.

Me: Sean, look at me.

Sean: *stops sobbing*

Me: Are you okay?

Sean: I'm fine...but I want my mummy.

Me: Don't you want to make friends?

Sean: Yes.

Me: *Drags Sean to Erina.* Erina, this is Sean. Come say 'Hi' to Sean.

Erina: *Waves to Sean*

Me: Sean, this is Erina. Say 'Hi, Erina.'

Sean: Hi Erina.

Me: *Brings Sean to Christopher.* Christopher, this is Sean. Say 'Hi'.

Christopher: *Nods*

Me: ???

Sean: Hi Christopher.

Me: Can Christopher and Erina play with Sean?

Sean: Sits down.

Erina and Christoper scoot closer to Sean.
In silence, they played together.

Me: ???
That was kind of cool.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

THAT shirt.

Don't you just HATE it when he wears THAT shirt(s)? The ones he wore during THOSE times? Which brings you back to THEN? Boo you. You suck...*No. I suck. Just saying.* Btw,imysmihlk.


Vroom, vroom, baby.

Toyota Vios TRD Sportivo.

That's gonna be my car. Yeah!

So this is what I figured out over the past few days:

1. Life gets better after awhile.

2. Some friends are worth a lifetime.

3. It's okay to move forward and not look back for awhile.

4. Some mistakes will haunt you to your death. So, it shouldn't stop you from living your life.

5. Forgiveness is something you earn. If you don't deserve it, you won't get it.

6. If I lie, then I would be exactly like you. Something I HATE.

7. "It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me, oh, who you are is not where you've're still an innocent."

Friday, April 8, 2011

You're beautiful, every little piece, love.

I wake up with a jerk every time. It's the same. Always the same. But what haunts me isn't a dream. It's a memory. Beautiful. Smart. Rich. I always wondered why. I know I won't get an answer. But, in all honesty...I know it wasn't me. It was never me. So I'm OK.


Today, I got to go back to RPS with Adibah and Syud and Fatin. Then, I accidentally not on purpose met Mai at the pasar malam.

And now I'm chatting with Fatim (MRSM Taiping).

Yes. Things do get better.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Going back to kindergarten.

I can smile now. I know now that it wasn't just me. It was never just me. And sure, the stories look a lot like tragedies...but before the ending, there's an almost perfect beginning and middle.

People make mistakes. Even if you can't forgive. Even if you can never's the moments that counts. And maybe, in time, with small baby can learn. And then, you grow.

I love you, guys. Penny, Reshween, Mai, Adib and everyone else. I know that I've made my own downfall...but I hope...I really hope you'd be there as I struggle to get back up.

p/s. I got a job at Tenby's Kindergarten! So adorable!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Is it too much to ask?

Yes. It is. I just wish it wasn't that easy for you. It was just so easy for you.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

There's a part of me you'll never know.

So...I guess that means everyone knows?

But there are some things they don't. No one does.

So they have heard your story...which changes so many times...but they never heard mine.

No one has. Because it hurts too much.

You see, what happened on the surface was just another story of stupidity...but underneath that layer of innocence are plans, resentment, envy, fights, disloyalty, discrimination, plotting, backstabbing, lies and mostly...acting.

But like Taylor Swift's song Haunted,

"You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake"

"Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you"

Get it?

Or maybe you'll understand Love The Way You Lie Part II,

"On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprise"

In other means...

"I told him to go to hell."
"That's what you said...but you meant..."
And the worst part was...
"Maybe it was meant to be..."
Honestly? I wish...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

SPM results!


Haha. So there!
Maybe my life is not so horrid after all...

So I'm ecstatic! But at the same time...

...never mind. I should be extremely pleased with my results especially since I got 10A's!!! Some (mostly) don't even take 10 subjects. So there! Hah!

*sigh* I guess it is gonna be okay.

WOOT! WOOT! College life, here I come!

Hmmm...which brings forth the question...which college? Any ideas?

Happy Birthday Maisyarah Mazlan.

Back when we were wild!

Back when we were sweet and innocent.

Back when we were HOT!

Happy Brithday My Darling Mai!

I just want to say that I LOVE YOU! And that life is HARD. And we just have to face it. BUT lucky for us, we have each other!!! So, lean one me whenever you need me, although you're older, you'll always be my dah-ling! And now that you are OLD-er, *hehe* please, take care of yourself. And take care of me too! *haha* Just know that I'll always be there for you. Anytime, babe!

Lots of love, kisses and hugs,

Monday, March 14, 2011

Fashion with passion and free phone calls.

So SPM results are out soon. I'm like waiting and waiting...because I want to apply to so many things but I need that piece of paper...which I don't want to know the content.

Like, who isn't nervous about their results, right? I know I'm not dumb *although I have done stupid things* but who knows, right?

Ergh. This is sooo stress-making.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"That's so brain-MISSING"

Extras, by Scott Westerfeld

It's the fourth book, continuing the UGLIES trilogy. Which raises a question right there. I thought it said trilogy???

But, having said that, I like the series. Especially SPECIALS. They sound cool.

Anyway, the fourth installment is about a whole new kind of world. A new generation, after the mind-rain. And a new lead character named Aya.

In her world, it's all about Face Ranks. Like reputation. The more famous you are, the more things you get. The whole world is like a freaking popularity contest.

And Aya is just like any low-life girl in the world who cares so freaking much about being famous. She lies to get into this group and then kicks a story about them and this World-Demolishing-Device-Thingy.

So the creators of this devices are like chasing her to like kidnap her or something.

That's when Tally-wa a.k.a. Tally Youngblood a.k.a. creator of the Mind-Rain a.k.a. Most Famous Person in The World come in with 2 other Specials who are also Cutters to save Aya's butt.

Tally used Aya to get kidnapped because she wanted to check those monkey-like people.

And the next thing you know, noone is trying to destroy the world. They're creating a whole new world in space.

Tally's famous. Aya became the 3rd most famous person. And the end.

Seriously, I hate Aya. She's so brain-missing. Which means she's like idiotic.

But the book is nice. It's a whole new world kind of thing with really advance technology. Which is so super KICK. Which means 'Cool.'

The best part is that the book is kinda light. It's not deep. Yet it's not bubble-headed either.

And it uses such weird terms. Brain-missing. Kick. Bubble-head.
There's even this guy who invented this brain-surge a.k.a. brain surgery called Radical Honesty. You like rewire yourself so that you can never ever lie. You will always tell the truth.

But it's kinda fun, right? You can say things like, "But my brain is wired that way!" And mean it. Like, literally. Haha.

Knowledge is power.

I'm like super bored now that I have landed back in Malaysia.

So I have been scrolling through some colleges and short courses, just for fun...
...That's a lie.

I need to think about useful things instead of having such thoughtless thoughts.

Oh. And if I apply somewhere else, I won't apply there....

It's almost impossible not to know. And to know? Oh my god. I wish...I pray...I hope...But I should not.

Can you UN-know something? Like have a brain wash or something.

This is one of those things, you know? When you know about something that you wish you didn't know. But the funny thing is that you wanted to know it so badly when you didn't....that is, until you know it. Then, you want to undo it.

Which is sooo terriby stupid. But, you can't deny that is is true. this particular case of mine...I didn't really want to know. But the more you find out, the more you want to know. And at the end of it all, you just wish that you didn't know anything because although that makes you seem stupid and least, you're safe from the knowledge. Because the power of the the power to hurt you. And if you didn't know, you wouldn't be hurt.

"No one gets hurt if no one knows."

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Wishes and wishes...

I should send a gift.

Things are getting better. I can see the bright side of things.
I'm tired and sleepy.

But I can never stop. Or else...

Because in the midst of this dark cold winter,
I long for the sun.
But the sun melts the snow,
And without snow,
I rather not the sun.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I still dream.

Do you?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Monday, February 7, 2011

Sometimes, I wonder...

If the act was with me...
...or with them?

You wake up in he middle of the night and you think for a moment how you used to have that one person who would be there for you. You miss that person. I know you do.

I just wish you'd say it. Loud and clear for the world to hear. So that person would understand.

No one knows better than you do. It's your heart that you don't show. That you never show.

But when you lie in bed and look to your right, how can you not remember? How can you not recall? Some things are meant to be kept between us. Just us. And no one else.

But why do I still keep your secret?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I will not leave you until I have seen you hanged.

"I miss you."

Yeah. Right.
One day, your lies will uncover and reveal itself. I just wish you'd stop lying.