Thursday, November 24, 2011

"Am I not enough?"

Your words ring clearly in my head.

I can't just close my eyes and pray that it will all go away. It doesn't work that way. I know that now.

Penny once asked me, "He knows you're crazy, right? As in CRAZY crazy!"

Here's one thing about being crazy.

Sure, at first, you go into this trance...this sense of oblivion...where you're numb to reality. You don't feel anything anymore and you can go and do something out of the ordinary...out of character...brave, even.

I have this theory that the reason people do 'crazy' is because...well, they're shaken. In life, you face choices. And you make a choice, so you stick with it. But, one day, you think, 'what if'. And all you want is to escape reality. Then, you try it. You lose it. You lose control.

It's like closing your eyes and dreaming.

But the thing is, you can't escape reality that long. When you open your eyes, you have to face the consequences of not only your reality, but the excess of your so-called dreams.

I run away because of fear.

I'm so messed up.

But I'm working on it.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Don't you remember?


Everyone makes them.

So, here's a question:

Which one is the mistake and which one isn't?


Do you regret it? Don't you? Should you?

If I say I don't regret a mistake, then...that's bullshit! Because, if you know it was a mistake, you'd regret it, right?

Or you can keep fooling yourself saying that you don't regret it because you learnt something from it.

I used to think that regrets are a waste of time. I guess, in the end, the bigger question is:

What is regret?

I used to think that it was wishing you could change what you've done. And, that's a big waste of time. Because you should live in the present and not the past. Or else, everything will just pass you by. think it's not that at all.

Regret is a promise you make to yourself never to repeat that mistake and to learn from it. You need to regret to grow up.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

Awak. Awak tahu tak?

Saya sedih.

Tapi gembira.

Kadang-kadang, saya tertanya-tanya.

Tapi kadang-kadang saya tak nak tahu jawapannya.

Saya tak suka kehilangan kawan.

Tapi siapa sebenarnya kawan dan siapa yang bukan?


Awak tahu tak?

Awak betul.

Saya salah.

Tapi kadang-kadang saya betul.

Awak salah.

Tapi saya tak kisah.

Salah ke betul ke, yang penting kita cuba.


Jangan tinggalkan saya, tau?


Tapi kalau awak tinggalkan saya pun saya masih boleh hidup.

Awak pun boleh hidup.

Jadi, apa persoalannya sekarang?


Kenapa awak masih ada?

Awak sayang saya?

Ke saya sayang awak?

Awak tak tahu?

Saya lagi tak tahu.

Kalau kita asyik fikir, mesti pening.

Tapi kalau tak fikir, macam mana pulak?

Ikut hati mati.

Tapi kalau tak ikut hati, kan perit.

Ish. Peningkan hidup?


Awak tahu.

Tapi saya tak.

Ke awak tak tahu?

And the eyes that penetrate through, with a whisper of hope in the wind, all the tears are given true (repost)

What does that even mean?
I wrote this sometime in addmaths back in MRSM Taiping. Now, I have no idea what it means! Does it even have a meaning?

You know, I scribble in text books and on paper that are slipped in the text books that when I open them after months...or years...I will suddenly recall the memories...but sometimes, I have no clue on what I wrote... It makes no sense...

Seeing this, I wondered if I have lost my mind somewhere in time. Then, out of the blue, BAM!, I understood. It only took a picture. One F***ing picture was like a PANG!

-I miss him. I miss her. I miss them. I miss you. I miss it.-

That's what I recall now. It means that when you look into someones eyes and you feel like you can actually see them and understand them, then the tears he/she/you shed is a sense that it is what you feel and not just an act.

I got so frustrated at the fact that the people I's like they don't miss me back. It's not sad...It is UNBEARABLE!

Why? Why is it when you do give yourself to someone...whether a lover, a friend or family, they always let you down?

I took this personality test thingy, and I was said to be a pusher. No, I don't push people into something...I push people away. If they get too close, and start to understand me *or something like that* I push them away. I am a loner.

At first, it sounded like CRAP! But it started to sink in...and it is true. Shaik once had a conversation with me.

Me: But it's not enough.
Shaik: Or is it?

If you are confused, I'm not going to explain it because it's a 'in the moment' kind of thing. But it got me wondering...who was it, really, that didn't try?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

What are you gonna do when the truth comes out and everybody knows what you're all about.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want anyone to get hurt.

I know that that's a pathetic excuse because now, EVERYONE has shed a tear.

I don't want to lie.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to sing 'The one that got away'- Katy Perry.

I'm scared of what the future holds.

Maybe that's why I never made a choice.

But, honestly, there wasn't really a choice to be made.

I don't know how to explain it.

Ask me. Then, I'll tell you.

Just know that it still does.
...To turn into something I hate.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

This is the last time I'll forget you, I wish I could.

I remember just waiting for her to take you away. Watching, helplessly. Hopeless.

I did nothing to stop her. To stop you.

My tears had dried out.

But I shed a tear for the soul that was lost in the selfish war of the deceptive bastards.

And your gift of blocking me?


Even better than Teddy.

Even better than me throwing that cheap black bangle back in your face.

White chocolate.


I have changed. I admit.

Sadly, you haven't.

I miss you.


I do.

But you don't.

Know what?

I've gone through that life you're living.

But you never had to go through what I had to.

And the plans we made? That made us one of the same?

I didn't plan all this.

I planned none of this.

But I'm not going back to that.

I miss it.

I do.