Friday, August 26, 2011

The taste of honesty.

Here's a song that keeps replaying in my head. It goes like this:
Nothing but your t-shirt on.

Lingering with your perfume and a smile plastered on both our faces, as we lay there. Just lay there.

And I open up to you, with tears in my eyes.

Here's the truth:

I only wanted the honesty.


Monday, August 22, 2011

You know that I could use somebody...


Out of nowhere.

His name came up.

Here's the thing. I wish he'd just forgive me.

I wish I never hurt him in the first place.

I wish I was good enough.

But I'm not.

The words that still rings in my ear.

"Sya, honestly...I kecewa."

I'm sorry.


I opened up to you.

Everything you wanted to know. Everything.

I laid my guard down.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


The question posted by Dr. Cinta of the night was:

"Would it be a burden to you?"

Good question.

This question HAS been running through my head for awhile... still is.



Pretty much, nada.

Or. Who the hell knows?.

I am scared of both. Taking it in and distancing myself from it....whatever 'it' is.

Taking it in means taking the plunge. Take that dive. Jump off the cliff.
The upside: Someone might just catch you.
The downside: Or you'll end up dead.

Distancing means pushing away. Creating spaces.
The upside: It wouldn't hurt like jumping would.
The downside: Missing out on a great adventure.


Good idea.

Monday, August 15, 2011

You told me you **** me so why did you go...away?

I thought I would wake up that day and just remember it.

But I didn't.

I didn't think about it that day. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

So, why did I think about it today?

My friend, Alya, said something about being exactly where she was last year, the same time this year.

Then, I thought...I forgot about it. Completely.

I did not wake up that morning with tears streaming down my face or the twisted pain in my stomach. All that, no longer exist anymore, for me.

Just in case you read this, like you always had...




Because, that day marked the most amazing night of my life. Without you. Forever without you.

Yes. I moved on.

Friday, August 12, 2011


I meant extreme sports!


Not to mention EXTREMELY CRAZY!

Here's what I really felt:



It was crazy. It was scary and nerve-wrecking. It was amazing.

"I feel like holding you."

I feel like you're the most amazing thing that happened to me.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Baby, I'm missing you. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t stand looking at those pictures on my shelf.


I though about you, Resh. You are in PJ. Your house is in PJ. I have been in PJ for MONTHS now. But I still haven't built up the courage to knock on your door and kick it open like I used to.

I'm afraid, for one. Because you were right and always have been.

It's not forgiveness from you I seek, as I know I didn't do you any wrong. But what I am sorry for is for concealing it from you. When it was the same day that I was supposed to meet you.

I miss you and all the retard-ness. That's what we were. The sisterhood of the retards.

God, I miss my best friends. And, dear, I miss you straight forward, outspoken truthfulness. This world needs more of you.

And less of me.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Today, the butterfly flew away.

I thought I was drowning in the empowering waves.
But, now, I can breathe again.

And no longer with force,
I do it because I want to.
Because I can.

Finally, the waves have washed off the footsteps on the sands.

Finally, I washed the mascara stains off the pillow.


I did it.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Just like a tattoo. I'll always have you.

A butterfly.
Because it symbolizes metamorphosis. A change. Growing up, in a sense. From a little caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.


You are the star in the sky,
The one I wish upon every night.

If I'm dreaming someone wake me up,
or just take me.

I see you walk to me,
But I am so afraid,
But I can't help myself from hoping.

Baby, I love you.

Have a break. Have a kit kat.

So during the break, go try another type of chocolate.

Rather than sitting and eating. Making you a fat pig.

In the same day, you can feel happy and utterly miserable.


I'm weak. So weak. *slaps myself. "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!* ...I'm trying.

I am trying my best to be strong and keep my head held high.

But today, someone told me that I'm different. And that's what makes me special. The best compliment ever.

"What makes you different makes you beautiful."

Friday, August 5, 2011

Maybe Ebby Azwin is right.

"The older you get, the harder it is to get friends."

And he was right. I've seen 3year old making friends. Refer to my post when I was a Kindergarten teacher.

Why can't we do that anymore?




How can I forget?

Some people are just too annoying.
Some are too good.
Too dramatic. Too pretty. Too ugly. Too normal. Too weird. Too serious. Too playful.
Too this.
Too that.

It's sad.

So. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my guard down and make a friend today.

I mean, sure, she or he prejudged me. But how is she or he supposed to know what I am really like if I don't give them the chance, right?

Here goes nothing.

I don't want to know.






I choose what to tell. And what not to tell.

I choose NOT to tell you...errr...maybe because I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I don't ask you, "Why are you being extra nice to that guy? Do you like him?"

I didn't even ask you, "Why are you telling me all these?"

I'm not stressed out. Just annoyed. Because I don't like it. Never did. Never will.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Opinions. Open-mindedness. Liberal.

It might not make any sense to you, since I'm always writing about what I think and what I feel..
...BUT the thing is,
I HATE IT when people ask me for my personal opinion or view on an issue.

Especially in front of the class.
Because I don't want to offend anyone with my apparently 'liberated' opinions.
But obviously this post proves that I'm not at all that liberal.
I am conservative. In certain aspects, that is.

Exhibit A: I'm not outspoken in my opinion much.
Exhibit B: I don't talk about my feelings.

But that's because I'm different.
I am individualistic.
I do what I do. You do what you do.
You don't affect me. I don't affect you.
You don't tell me to drink. I don't preach to you.

The other JUDGMENT.

When people ask for your view or thoughts, you can feel can see it...the wheels turning in their heads, assessing you, JUDGING you. Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you?!

You won't know me through my thoughts and opinions. I'm twisted. Really twisted.

So DON'T ask me 'what?' or 'why?'. Just watch me. OBSERVE. Then, you'll understand.

Because those of you who are trying to assess me, you have NEVER been in my 5-inch stilettos. But if you give it a try, you might trip, flat on your face...and break your nose....or...not.
You don't know, do you?


Stop asking.

And stop wondering.

I'M not trying to assess you.

Even though, to me, you are weird.

Like to you, I am weird.



So deal with it.


Judgment Day.

To judge.

To pass judgement.

Different things.


Fav quote of my own. *who the hell quotes herself?*

"If you want to judge me. Go ahead. Judge me. But who are you to pass judgement on me to a person who knows me better than you do?"

Everyone has a right to their own opinion. But to what extend?

Food for thought, people.